08/18/10 03:30 PMLife at our House
Authored by Mom
I'm trying to maintain sanity... I'm not sure how to do it?
I woke much too late today, squished on the side of my beautiful king size bed, the rest of it taken up by a sweetly sleeping toddler. He's pushed me off to the side but all he knows is that he's loved sleeping next to his mama for 3 years of his life.
I worked hard at getting it all done, just right, scheduled, all perfect. But perfect is not my name. It's not my first name or even my middle name. Oh how I wish I could at least sign it as my last name. But perfect doesn't give me a need for saving.
On my mind first thing is how to get it all done and second is my dear friend, going in for a similar surgery that I had last year. I need to put together a prayer chain for her. Thoughts of my surgery from last year come sweeping back to my mind. It's been consuming my mind for a few days now when all I can think of is her but when I think of her, I think of me and how I still have effects from that surgery, even if just emotional. Our scars never truly leave us do they? I quote 1 Peter 5:7 for her but I forget to cast my own cares on Him, while I want her to.
I did make eggs and read to the children this morning during breakfast. But my lack of cleanliness due to no shower was over-powering me. I had junk in my eyes, I felt not ready for my day.
We spent 20 minutes in chores. I was just praying that we could get to the floors that haven't been cleaned in I don't know how long. I'm not sure I can stand another day of dirty floors. But with the effort it takes to clean them and the knowledge of the amount of time it takes to dirty them, they usually stay dirty. I always tell myself that dirty floors aren't what matters anyway, right. Right? I wish it wasn't just my husband telling me he agrees. I wish I wasn't faced with everyone else and their clean floors, staring at me, with these clean floors. Me standing there wondering how they get it done and I... I, well...
I sat down and read one of my first reads of the day. Ann says it so beautifully when she talks priorities. And my stomach is in knots because I wonder how did she get inside my head? I wonder how did she know I was struggling? And yet, I look at her crusty shoes and I think "our dirty shoes never look that good... I could only wish for an ironing board like that... oh I wish I could have a mountain of dirty clothes that looked so nice..."
I let the kids watch some videos so I can work on a routine, trying to work out a new year for us. The DVD doesn't work and I get to sit down for 2 minutes, total. Who can get anything done in that time? Eventually the work got moved over, on top of other books that were moved over, at some time, because that didn't get done either.
The tractors out back mowing the field brought all of the kids running out, with binoculars in hand, one of our most favorite things of living here in this space is seeing the tractors as they do their jobs. I'm so happy for the kids to be able to see them... secretly wish that I could go out with them but there is so much work to be done...
I begin lunch, remembering what time it is (when did it get to be 1:30?). I grab my camera to take pictures, while the blue one is still out there, looking so nice and vibrant against the green trees. I missed it, it's gone.
I run back in, Sam is in the kitchen, I can hardly get lunch on the table.
The phone rings, I miss talking to my husband.
I run out to take pictures, this time I make it. Thank you God for the reminder of this time in our lives.
waving at the blue tractor
I come back in to french fries burning, burnt grilled cheese and I also smell my day burning up in flames. I still have those dirty floors and now lunch looks like the same. Still tripping over Sam, who keeps his mantra "me eat, me eat". Yeah, I want to too, Samalicious, me too. I keep reminding him "Mommy's working on it. I'm trying."
I get my husband called back and try to share, in the midst of 4 hot burners, falling over a 3 year old, and keeping my eye out for tractors coming by.
A picnic? Oh yes, that sounds great! Let's do a picnic. It was my idea, it was a good idea, except I didn't take into account that afternoon is sweltering where I live even if morning was beautiful. The sweat pouring into my eyes and the kids sort-of empty plates tell me we should eat dessert inside. The idea of frosted animal cookies sends my guilt trip on a good vacation... shouldn't I be feeding them something healthy for dessert? At least I read to them during lunch.
After lunch (which should really be our mid-day snack but hey that happens when you don't set up picnic until 2:00), we clean. Of course the call from a sweet neighbor doesn't stop the children from interrupting because the tragedy of not being able to open a drawer is most definitely an emergency. The vacuum wails while I try to listen to her fears about her home.
Finally, it's quiet time. Oh thank you Jesus, I'll have about 15 minutes of quiet time, where I could sit with my schedule making stuff (oh how I dread it but it's going to be great... I'll get it done... it'll feel good to be done... yes, it won't be that bad). Why oh why does Sam need to scream and bang the door repeatedly during quiet time. Didn't I tell him it was quiet time? This is quiet time, we're quiet during this time. Oh how this drains me, makes me want to cry when I hear my children cry. I'm not very good at leaving them be...
And finally, in amongst the screaming, I open my amazon order. I've been waiting for this. So thrilled to see my new gold, these pages filled with writing that we love so much in our house. We adore books and read them a lot. I pick up the one that I intend to read, Loving Our Kids on Purpose, and begin to flip through it. I read the dedication, the table of contents, the introduction. And it pops out at me... in the dedication... something that immediately made my eyes tears up and me almost have to sit down. The author was referencing a method we have chosen to use to discipline and give choice to our children. He had used it... was praising it. It was almost like a hug, through pages from Him. I needed this so much. It was almost like a hug, from my Heavenly Father, through this book. (Did I just type that twice? I'm leaving it there because it was really good for me, when I felt the squeeze.)
I am stuck... with my scales not balancing correctly when it comes to priorities, with worrying way too much about the small stuff, with being on the computer too much, not doing what I know is right, probably mostly feeling like a complete failure.
I know I'm at a place, a place that is so beautiful, full of blessings, constant blessings.
I am at a place that I dreamed of, I am literally living my dreams.
It's a beautiful place.
And yet... it seems so full of these imperfections, mostly me, that can't get it together.
I just continue to remember the verse that I have been sharing with my friend:
"Cast your cares on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
I need to remember this, in the grand scheme of things, when I feel like a complete failure at life in general, that He is there for me to cast my cares upon because he cares for me.
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." Ephesians 3:20
08/22/10 09:20 PM
Love this one, Rachel, and I know exactly what you mean. BTW, I am typing this perched on the edge of a chair full of junk I threw in here last night before family came over. I ought to pick up the lacing beads all over the floor before I break my neck, but let's face it, they'll just be strung out again in a few more hours. Enjoy the chaos, my friend, and come on over for some encouragement when you think your house is a mess! ; )
08/21/10 12:03 PM
I really like the picture of standing on table watching--brings back good memories.